I have never really been... unemotional. But I have also never been over emotional, either. As I have been progressing this summer I have come to realize two things.
1) I am a natural loner.
2) I crave attention from people... Attention which does not come to me naturally.
Addressing the first issue, I do not fit in. Of course this also sounds so much like normal teenagers today, but for me it is utterly true. My I.Q Is higher than normal, much so that I should be in college, had it not be for my poor math skills. (Algebra has never come easy to me.) But therefore I am stuck in the middle of highschool dramas, and not in the Theatre department. People do not understand me, let alone want to deal with someone who is way too different from them. They just do not wish to take the time in understanding me. And because of this lack of faith in people, I have simply given up.
But this brings me to my next point. I crave the attention from others. So I dumb myself down and act like a dork, to try and relate to people who simply do not relate to me. And I try so hard to make friends, where no friends are to be made. Nobody really cares for me, let alone having to "Talk to the strange girl."
I am called a dork, weird, crazy, and dumb on a daily basis. And I do not know where the line is drawn between playful banter and harsh reality. The line is not grey, it's blurred.
The pain of the lonliness that has set upon me is physically taking a toll on me. Acne. Stomachaches. Headaches. All have become normality for me. I am sixteen and have joint problems, for crying out loud. And I guess in a way I am crying out loud by writing this. Crying out for help. For understanding. For, a true friend, I guess.
But no matter how hard I seem to try, nobody will take the time to get to know me. I will always be just the crazy rat girl, and I Guess I will have to deal with the fact that my only friends in high school will be my four rats, mother, brothers, and family. I guess I will have to medicate for the headaches, acne, stomachaches. And I guess I will have to stop crying myself to sleep and just deal with it. I just wanted someone to know. I just wanted someone to listen.
-E
